The slow boat trip from northern Thailand to Luang Prabang in Laos would take 2 days and 15 hours on a boat. We weren’t promised the most exciting thrill ride but it was better than the alternative 16 hour death road coach. Although from the way the trip started in Chiang Mai death seemed to be on the cards.
Four of us from the Spicy Thai hostel in Chiang Mai decided that we would all go together down the Mekong River to the Unesco Heritage town of Luang Prabang. It would take over 2 days to get there but it would be quite an adventure. We opted to get a morning pickup from our hostel so that we could go and see the white temple in Chiang Khong. Two of the guys were waiting outside on the mini roundabout on the drive when a minibus nearly ran them over after they had to jump back. Annoyed one of our group tapped the back of the van. When he did this the driver got out and chased him around the grounds with a twelve inch blade. This was our driver to Chiang Khong. There was no way we were going to be getting in his minibus. The thai hostel owner came out to calm the situation down and told us not to go with him and that he would organise us to go later in the day. Instead of us going to see the white temple we instead chilled out and has massages in the thai woman’s prison.
When we eventually got in the right minibus after a personal apology by the company boss we spent a good 7 hours cramped in a minibus that felt it could win a Grand Prix judging by the speed we were going at. Often would you see a huge lorry in the windscreen and the driver would swerve to narrowly evade a deadly collision. We made it in one piece to our hotel at midnight to find it was the worst hostel we had ever seen. Our four person room was more like a converted garage than a room and the beds were rock solid. We only had 6 hours until we needed to leave for the boat and surprisingly we all had a good night sleep on our brick filled mattresses. Breakfast was a similar theme to the look of the hotel; cold rice with warm beef broth. I was so hungry I had 3 bowls of the stuff. Just before we left the hotel they told us the slow boat has wooden seats so they has made cushions which we could purchase for 50 baht, thinking this was a better option than sitting on a wooden bench for 2 days everyone in the hotel snapped them up.
Departing and getting through the Laos border was easy and we were treated to proper bread baguette sandwiches. No more sweet rice flour bread for us. Thank you France for colonising Laos! Before we boarded the boat we purchased some more sandwiches for lunch and a lot of alcohol for the journey. We would be turning it into the slowest booze cruise in history. We had been advised that the front was the best place to sit as it was the furthest from the extremely noisy engine, the seats were also facing each other so it was far more social. What pissed us of though was the fact the seated weren’t wooden but old minibus seats, we had been sold some shitty cushion that we wouldn’t be needing! It was only about 30 minutes into the journey that we rocked out the thai whiskey and settled down to a long drinking session. When lunchtime arrived we couldn’t find the sandwiches anywhere and as I was the one to be carrying them onto the boat I has to think what I did with them. The last place I could remember seeing them was on my seat before I but my bag away. Slowly I got up to reveal 4 squashed warm baguettes. The old Laos lady next to me found this hilarious and lucky for my so did my friends. We all had fun at the front of the boat but looking towards the back of it was depressing, everyone looked board and none of them were talking to each other. We has drinks flowing and tunes playing loud, they must have thought we were proper scummy Magaluf going English tourists, but as the engine at the back was so noisy you couldn’t here us one bit.
We arrived in Pak Bang (half way point) at around 7 to loads of villagers trying to sell us either guest houses, weed or opium drugs. As we had a guesthouse booked already we just walked off. Pak Bang was a strange place as the only real purpose for it was a night stop for the slow boat people. This meant that there was no real centre and was just full of guesthouses and locals high on drugs. We were pretty spent after our long day drinking session so we didn’t leave the guesthouse.
We got on the boat the next morning to find everyone was already sitting on it early. I was a different boat this time and there were no seats at the front just open decking. All the seats at the back were also taken. Lucky for us we had our cushions still so we sat at the front on the decking. Unlucky for us I had been given the sandwiches to hold again and once again sat on 2 of them. As there were no seats we could spread out and we quickly all had a morning nap. I awoke to find that I was using the other sandwiches as a pillow so they were now squashed too. At least I was consistent is flattening everyone’s sandwich! We got the drink out again at about midday and this time we would be drinking Laos whiskey called ‘true manhood’, it was vile but we drank it anyway.
Our slowboat adventure eventually ended on the outskirts of Luang Prabang at 6pm and after some night market street food we decided to celebrate our accomplishment by having a night out. We went to a really chilled out bar called Utopia which had floor cushions around the bar, a beach volley ball court and a bamboo deck over looking the river. All the bars in Luang Prabang are restricted to close at 11pm. To satisfy people who want to continue drinking (us) they have allowed a bowling alley outside the centre to remain open until the early hours. So off we went in a tuk-tuk to a bowling alley. It was the most surreal end to a night out ever. A modern bowling alley in the middle of nowhere that serves alcohol while drunk patrons can chuck balls down the lanes when they want. The most strange part to me was the lightning. Normally late a night in a club or bar there is low lighting, but here bight lights which allow you to see everyone perfectly in their drunken state. Such a funny place to go after a couple of drinks. We would return here again before leaving Luang Prabang.
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